Ashley has Lymphoma of the small intestines. I am in the TV Room and maybe 10 minutes later she enters, lying there as if she is fine.
What is she teaching me? I think she wants me to smile, laugh, play with her, give her all the lovey doveys I can (she likes and doesn’t like).
I don’t do well when humans and animals around me are sick, long-term. I am trying to be less stressed about it and play with her like there is no tomorrow.
Mama loves you Ashley! I’ve been saying these words and showering her with kisses since I adopted her from the Toronto Human Society in August 2015. No guilt over not providing her with emotional support and a quality of life that would have spiraled downward if I hadn’t rescued her.
So I had a shitty situation where a male roommate assaulted me:
Two weeks after the incident I am in a better place – literally. The four women are so great! They don’t expect me to give my share of the money towards purchasing house supplies (e.g. dish soap, sugar). They were happy to foot the bill. They understand that the first month in a new place is financially stressful.
The other place – jerks! So totally not understanding. They only understand their own burdens.
The roommates I have now…well…guess what? I pitched in my share since the first month! Because they understand.
I’ve been living here now for two months. They are true to who they say they are. And they’re a great bunch.
Couldn’t help talking about this bit. I didn’t get their permission to post pictures of them (I do have). However, this Blog is about all my experiences since leaving the birth family.
Pets – and for me it would be dogs and cats – are therapeutic.
I had a dog from 1997 to 2005. Gave it up because the guy I knew at the time was “allergic” to pets. I didn’t marry him anyway. Here is the dog I had:
Stupid decision to give her up because of him. Some lessons take longer to “get”. For me I trip myself up in romantic relationships. The other reason was because she was getting sick and the money I made each month went to the vet bills. The cost for each problem Cutie Pie had costed me close to $1000 (Canadian $).
Anyway, I have the choice to foster a cat or dog. That will be the route I go since I’m not in a better financial situation than ever before.
The mother cat: Mowmow
And here are her children:
I would love to own one but until I do some research on the cost of owning one and the illnesses they possibly could get, I’m hesitating to say no.
Yes, my experience with giving up my dog (my child) has everything to do with it.
When I’m ready for one, that’s when I’ll have one. And no worries about affording anything he or she needs.
You meet someone new and you think, “Wow he’s a hot looking guy!” You don’t make the first moves and as time passes you learn something about him that attracts you to him again.
Some of the things you’re looking for in a future partner, he’s talking about it with someone else. Claiming he’s this and that. Though it’s not obvious at the time what’s going on. Again, you don’t say a word but he does notice you looking at him while his friend is talking to him. A week later (you only see each other once a week), he’s standing a few feet to the left of you. The workshop is over. The fact that he dressed up really nice this day didn’t mean anything to you because you’re a woman who wants to be treated right. You’re a relationship woman. Since he didn’t do any “real” thing about showing interest in you, letting him go is easy.
The passed two weeks of his bullshit behaviour and trying to understand why it’s bother you had been somewhat stressful.
Yesterday what Let Him Go-and I’m OK Day. He was still sneaking peaks at me when, for example the facilitator talked about dating others and his head would turn my way when I’d answer to questions like my age. Then he’d say something in the group like talking about a female friend he’s known for 25 years and how they’re still connecting and helping each other out. Him with his depression and she with…I can’t remember what he helped her with. My feedback to him was to keep that friend of his for support. He just confirmed that they’re friends and there was that movement of his eyelids.
See how easy it is to misunderstand? Maybe I didn’t misunderstand. He sure gives signals of being interested in knowing things about me. If he just wanted to be friends he would have talked to me already. He easily talks to other women in the group. That’s what leads me to think he wants something more from me than friendship.
Even though I’ve turned my back on the past, some things now have pushed me to revisit the past relationships: my crushes. I’m smarter now. No one influences my decisions by saying things that lower my self-esteem.
So, yesterday what The Day for honesty. I saw all I needed to see about him and… good for me I kept my distance. I have no guilt for not doing something about that moment he stood next to me.
Life is a continuous learning experience, isn’t it?
It’s called other things, probably, in other parts of the world. I’m from Toronto so I’m speaking about the transit system which to me includes the underground and the bus.
Why talk about something that most of us use everyday? I like riding it most of the time. Sometimes it’s a bit of a stressful experience when some riders pee on other people’s day. The “Pee-er” (as I’m calling them) are people who are not having the best day or week (or eternity) and dump their misery on others.
Some riders carry a load of their own: backpack, baby carriages and shopping carriages. Some dude with a backpack (Pee-er #1) whispers something to Pee-er #2. The latter yells at me, insults me. The only word I got in was if he was going to get off let me know because I will move. He still insults me and I say “Thank you!” That shut him up.
Learning people skills is hard and I think for people who are not in the right mindset, it’s impossible because they don’t have the will and they’re just lying in their own misery feeling sorry for themselves.
Pee-er #1 was whispering to himself, pee-er #2 left the bus. Another man a soon to be pee-er #3 until…I don’t know…I just know that I felt that he was going to start something and perhaps that was transparent through my eyes. So, he said nothing.
Thing is when there’s a lot of people in the bus, of course there are times it’s crowded but why lash out about it! You got a problem with crowding take it to the mayor!
Sometimes you will come across unreasonable people as I did today but when they’re yelling at you please don’t return the karma. It just becomes another one of those things I like to phrase as “million miles of stupid”.
For Bloggers/Social Media enthusiasts who are following this Blog, you can tell that I speak directly and sometimes my upset shows in the choice words. What’s the point of Blogging about my life experiences if I’m making things up?
I don’t have a hidden agenda. My point in writing in this space is to share my experience. Maybe others have had a similar thing in their, maybe others could be going through it now. Just sharing my experiences. Besides, I find it therapeutic to write in here.
Anyway, my pet peeve – and one that causes me considerable suffering is disrespect from others. Respect is a two-way deal. When I’m in a group, I expect the rules to apply to everyone. For instance, at Expressive Arts Therapy one of the rules of the group is respect. It’s a general term, and I’d say it’s all-encompassing. So, then, when I have something to say I shouldn’t be interrupted by anyone. It’s an “expressive” arts group, so what’s up with them? It’s no surprise that the following week I was upset and that it showed through my voice. I wanted to talk about it but thing is: they don’t get it. They don’t get that their actions from last week led to disrespecting them.
I’m all about fair treatment. I’ll treat you as you treat me. They don’t get it that by not letting me express my thoughts, they were disrespecting me. It’s like they were being that kind of man –the type of man who has the last word on everything. A control freak! I told them so, don’t think I didn’t!
The rules within a group just doesn’t work. Why make them when the facilitators or leaders of a group need training in the rules they have for the group?
Have I learned anything new from this experience? No. I still hate being in groups for a long period of time. I have a lot of guts to say what I have to say when someone disrespects me, stops me from speaking up.
How to get along when someone disrespects you and isn’t willing to hear you out? How many times will you approach them to speak to them but they won’t listen to what you have to say? Ask help from a neutral party. Make it clear that if this person interrupts you that they are being disrespectful (again!) and that the meeting is over.
I was limited to scribbling something with pencil and crayons until I enrolled in Expressive Arts Therapy where by going with emotions doodling something turned into a piece that I had been proud to display to others. And proud of myself I was that now I can draw!
Since January 2015, I am enrolled in Drawing For People Who Can’t Draw.
What’s in it? Mac’N Cheese, broccoli, white and red kidney beans.
Mac’N Cheese…don’t have to tell you how to make it – it’s on the box. Broccoli (frozen) cooked 10 minutes. Drain the canned beans and then cook it for 5-10 minutes.
Mix and there it is! High in protein and fibre and other vitamins.
Still hate cooking for the time I take to prepare food. All that chopping, slicing and dicing, sometimes peeling. The best part is mixing ingredients together to create a variety in flavour yet very nutritious.
One time I used the blender to mix chick peas and olive oil. A roommate told me that hummus has both of these ingredients. I had no idea that I had stumbled upon a recipe that’s out there. Still, I cook to make meals, not dip!
Cooking…another aspect of me that has changed since leaving home. Lots of things I wasn’t in the mood for because of what it was like living with the birth family.