Ashley’s Birthday

It’s Easter 2020 and at the same time I’m celebrating my cat’s birthday. She’s gone but I still remember her everyday.  It’s been 4 years since her death and I’m feeling numb. It’s the pain…I know.

I’m still able to function every day but now is the time for me to take care of myself. I’ve been gaining belly fat since I learned of her illness and then even more when Banjo became ill. I have no regrets taking them in. They gave me love and a sense of self-esteem that I would not have been able to on my own. But now without either of them, the lessons continue. Self-esteem isn’t easy to get on my own but with what I remember what Ashley taught me, I think I can get there.

Anyway, here is a slideshow of Ashley, my baby girl forever. Even though she was mine for 14 months, she’s still mine. And she’d say so too–by the way she followed me in her cage where I saw her for the first time at the Toronto Humane Society.

She’s in Heaven with God where He’s taking care of her and where, hopefully, she’s playing with other kitties. I hope to meet her in Heaven. That’s my biggest hope–that I’ll get to keep both Ashley and Banjo with me in Heaven.

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Pets Teach Humans

Ashley has Lymphoma of the small intestines. I am in the TV Room and maybe 10 minutes later she enters, lying there as if she is fine.

What is she teaching me? I think she wants me to smile, laugh, play with her, give her all the lovey doveys I can (she likes and doesn’t like).

I don’t do well when humans and animals around me are sick, long-term. I am trying to be less stressed about it and play with her like there is no tomorrow.

Mama loves you Ashley! I’ve been saying these words and showering her with kisses since I adopted her from the Toronto Human Society in August 2015. No guilt over not providing her with emotional support and a quality of life that would have spiraled downward if I hadn’t rescued her.

Pets

Pets – and for me it would be dogs and cats – are therapeutic.

I had a dog from 1997 to 2005. Gave it up because the guy I knew at the time was “allergic” to pets. I didn’t marry him anyway. Here is the dog I had:

Cutie Pie and me.
June 2000

Stupid decision to give her up because of him. Some lessons take longer to “get”. For me I trip myself up in romantic relationships. The other reason I gave her up was because she was getting sick and the money I earned each month went to the vet bills. The cost for each problem Cutie Pie had costed me close to $1400 (Canadian $).

Anyway, I have the choice to foster a cat or dog. That will be the route I go since I’m not in the best financial situation than before.

The mother cat: Mowmow

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And here are her children:

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I would love to own one but until I do some research on the cost of owning one and the illnesses they possibly could get, I’m hesitating to say no.

Yes, my experience with giving up my dog (my child) has everything to do with it.

When I’m ready for one, that’s when I’ll have one. And no worries about affording anything he or she needs.

Responsible pet ownership.

Using the Underground/Metro/Transit

Good and Evil

It’s called other things, probably, in other parts of the world. I’m from Toronto so I’m speaking about the transit system which to me includes the underground and the bus.

Why talk about something that most of us use everyday? I like riding it most of the time.  Sometimes it’s a bit of a stressful experience when some riders pee on other people’s day. The “Pee-er” (as I’m calling them) are people who are not having the best day or week (or eternity) and dump their misery on others.

Some riders carry a load of their own: backpack, baby carriages and shopping carriages. Some dude with a backpack (Pee-er #1) whispers something to Pee-er #2. The latter yells at me, insults me. The only word I got in was if he was going to get off let me know because I will move. He still insults me and I say “Thank you!” That shut him up.

Learning people skills is hard and I think for people who are not in the right mindset, it’s impossible because they don’t have the will and they’re just lying in their own misery feeling sorry for themselves.

Pee-er #1 was whispering to himself, pee-er #2 left the bus. Another man a soon to be pee-er #3 until…I don’t know…I just know that I felt that he was going to start something and perhaps that was transparent through my eyes. So, he said nothing.

Thing is when there’s a lot of people in the bus, of course there are times it’s crowded but why lash out about it! You got a problem with crowding take it to the mayor!

Sometimes you will come across unreasonable people as I did today but when they’re yelling at you please don’t return the karma. It just becomes another one of those things I like to phrase as “million miles of stupid”.

Pet Peeves

For Bloggers/Social Media enthusiasts who are following this Blog, you can tell that I speak directly and sometimes my upset shows in the choice words. What’s the point of Blogging about my life experiences if I’m making things up?

I don’t have a hidden agenda. My point in writing in this space is to share my experience. Maybe others have had a similar thing in their, maybe others could be going through it now. Just sharing my experiences. Besides, I find it therapeutic to write in here.

Anyway, my pet peeve – and one that causes me considerable suffering is disrespect from others. Respect is a two-way deal. When I’m in a group, I expect the rules to apply to everyone. For instance, at Expressive Arts Therapy one of the rules of the group is respect. It’s a general term, and I’d say it’s all-encompassing. So, then, when I have something to say I shouldn’t be interrupted by anyone. It’s an “expressive” arts group, so what’s up with them? It’s no surprise that the following week I was upset and that it showed through my voice. I wanted to talk about it but thing is: they don’t get it. They don’t get that their actions from last week led to disrespecting them.

I’m all about fair treatment. I’ll treat you as you treat me. They don’t get it that by not letting me express my thoughts, they were disrespecting me. It’s like they were being that kind of man –the type of man who has the last word on everything. A control freak! I told them so, don’t think I didn’t!

The rules within a group just doesn’t work. Why make them when the facilitators or leaders of a group need training in the rules they have for the group?

Have I learned anything new from this experience? No. I still hate being in groups for a long period of time. I have a lot of guts to say what I have to say when someone disrespects me, stops me from speaking up.

How to get along when someone disrespects you and isn’t willing to hear you out? How many times will you approach them to speak to them but they won’t listen to what you have to say? Ask help from a neutral party. Make it clear that if this person interrupts you that they are being disrespectful (again!) and that the meeting is over.

Drawing For People Who Can’t Draw Course – Toronto

I was limited to scribbling something with pencil and crayons until I enrolled in Expressive Arts Therapy where by going with emotions doodling something turned into a piece that I had been proud to display to others. And proud of myself I was that now I can draw!

Since January 2015, I am enrolled in Drawing For People Who Can’t Draw.

Sample drawings

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Cooking! Hate it, Love it. Easy!

 

What’s in it? Mac’N Cheese, broccoli, white and red kidney beans.

Mac’N Cheese…don’t have to tell you how to make it – it’s on the box. Broccoli (frozen) cooked 10 minutes. Drain the canned beans and then cook it for 5-10 minutes.

Mix and there it is! High in protein and fibre and other vitamins.

Still hate cooking for the time I take to prepare food. All that chopping, slicing and dicing, sometimes peeling. The best part is mixing ingredients together to create a variety in flavour yet very nutritious.

One time I used the blender to mix chick peas and olive oil. A roommate told me that hummus has both of these ingredients. I had no idea that I had stumbled upon a recipe that’s out there. Still, I cook to make meals, not dip!

Cooking…another aspect of me that has changed since leaving home. Lots of things I wasn’t in the mood for because of what it was like living with the birth family.

Creativity is Me

It begun as a chore then I was thinking about the upcoming holidays and I was in a creative mood the front of my home was decorated with trimmings from the  juniper tree. Then I used the roses I made from pipe cleaners.

Not finished! The green and gold garlands are next. I am grateful for the existence of dollar stores. Their prices enable me to be continuously creative.

DOA – Potential Future Mates

The previous post I talked about how excited we get at the start of a new romantic relationship. It’s all hormones. We’re sure it’s not about hormones. That we’ve found The One. However, the more time you spend together, the closer you are to finding the reality of the direction of the relationship.

In my case it’s: DOA – dead on arrival.

Why is that? He moved too fast, I used to move too fast. Now I’m just happy to date but I’m always on the look out for the red flags.

Asking questions about his/her past relationships is an excellent idea and if you don’t see it on paper, don’t have sex with him/her!

If he’s got the problem of double standard, it’s time to leave!

Keep to your boundaries. Whatever you have learned from the previous relationship, keep to it in the next ones! It won’t be perfect the next time but don’t beat yourself up! If being friends with a guy is what you need to find out about his potential as a future mate, do it!

I have learned from the breakup of March 2014 and how wonderful it is that there is something else to think about for the next time.

That’s if I want a next time…

I’m the happiest when I’m flying solo. It’s a lot of stress to start a new relationship. And it’s because you’re learning things about each other.

How wonderful would it be if I meet The One the first time?

I’m not that lucky, but that’s alright because I need to take care of all my needs. That leaves a few hours each day to relax, to do more things for myself.

What I don’t have time for when I start a new relationship:

• learning
• time for exercise
• creating something in visual arts
• time spent in my community

Sure it was my decision to spend those hours with the guy because I thought I was okay with it and so now it took less than one month to find out the truth about our compatibility.

I wouldn’t have known if I didn’ t find documents about the women he knew in the past.

I found the information the day I helped him clean his room.

Otherwise, it’s too bad. He was a really nice and a gentle man. Still…I have to think about my safety and what makes me the most happiest.

 

Mother’s Day – Create-it-ivity

The idea came to me this January when I was in a romantic relationship. Anyone who was in a relationship with another long enough to have a list of things they’d like to get for Christmas, Valentine’s Day and their birthday. Well, he and I are middle-class poor and I didn’t expect anything from him but that didn’t mean I won’t wish for things I would like to have. So, I looked through Google images for clip art on roses in a heart-shaped frame and found one that inspired me to create one similar to it with construction paper.

Roses on a heart frame

 

Then I looked through YouTube for a video on how to make a rose out of paper:

 

This is the finished product:

Roses on a heart-shaped frame.

 

So I had finished this up to hang in the bedroom wall.

Then I thought about my mother and the one thing she gave me that I still love very much even though I don’t have it anymore, my dog Cutie Pie (and she really was and you’d give her that name if you’d have ever met her). [Picture below]

Cutie Pie and me.
June 2000

When I was a teen and up until about 43, I didn’t think too much about my life and learning from the past. Now I am. Hopefully, when looking back at some aspects of it will help me to grow.

It’s easy to repeat the past when I’m running like crazy in many directions.