This is a new level of cat fighting for these two: Angel and Ashley.
Mornings are entertaining in my home with these two playing–and I’m so not a morning person. These two changed that for me.
No regrets leaving my birth family, permanently. I wouldn’t have happy mornings, ever! And probably later sometime even if I don’t have these pets five years from now, getting used to being happy in the mornings (that’s what these pets are doing for me) until then will have conditioned me to be happy in the mornings. Memories…
You meet someone new and you think, “Wow he’s a hot looking guy!” You don’t make the first moves and as time passes you learn something about him that attracts you to him again.
Some of the things you’re looking for in a future partner, he’s talking about it with someone else. Claiming he’s this and that. Though it’s not obvious at the time what’s going on. Again, you don’t say a word but he does notice you looking at him while his friend is talking to him. A week later (you only see each other once a week), he’s standing a few feet to the left of you. The workshop is over. The fact that he dressed up really nice this day didn’t mean anything to you because you’re a woman who wants to be treated right. You’re a relationship woman. Since he didn’t do any “real” thing about showing interest in you, letting him go is easy.
The passed two weeks of his bullshit behaviour and trying to understand why it’s bother you had been somewhat stressful.
Yesterday what Let Him Go-and I’m OK Day. He was still sneaking peaks at me when, for example the facilitator talked about dating others and his head would turn my way when I’d answer to questions like my age. Then he’d say something in the group like talking about a female friend he’s known for 25 years and how they’re still connecting and helping each other out. Him with his depression and she with…I can’t remember what he helped her with. My feedback to him was to keep that friend of his for support. He just confirmed that they’re friends and there was that movement of his eyelids.
See how easy it is to misunderstand? Maybe I didn’t misunderstand. He sure gives signals of being interested in knowing things about me. If he just wanted to be friends he would have talked to me already. He easily talks to other women in the group. That’s what leads me to think he wants something more from me than friendship.
Even though I’ve turned my back on the past, some things now have pushed me to revisit the past relationships: my crushes. I’m smarter now. No one influences my decisions by saying things that lower my self-esteem.
So, yesterday what The Day for honesty. I saw all I needed to see about him and… good for me I kept my distance. I have no guilt for not doing something about that moment he stood next to me.
Life is a continuous learning experience, isn’t it?
I don’t need more proof; however, situations happening now and that have happened during my several decades of life at The WarZone/Hell tell me where I am at in my life now is the best thing that’s happened to me–and to never go back to the past.
I fear the New Me will disappear if I spend too much time in the past. I visited mom New Year’s Eve 2014 and it’s been over two months since then that I have seen her. Haven’t seen the sibling and never intend to. Things are great this way. That is, if I want to continue growing. Some conservatives on mom’s side of the family would for sure disagree with me. They would in fact try what they can for me to get back with the family. They don’t get it. Or whatever. I told them what happened on January 31, 2013 and they persist as if they haven’t heard a thing I said. Stubborn, right? Probably. Or just of one mind.
Anyway, a visit to my dietitian gave me good news that I haven’t thought could happen. About 2/3 of my body mass is muscle now! At 205.6 pounds in 2012 I was 55% muscle. A difference of 34 pounds! Then and now!
In my other Blog “Fitness Through Walking” I started off with 205.6 pounds. Now I’m 171.6 pounds. I don’t like having a jiggly ass, but ten pounds can easily come off if I don’t eat too much of the healthy stuff. Still off the junk food for at least 99% of the time. Probably had junk food no more than five times since I left home…two years!
Perhaps the ex and I are thankful that we’re still walking this planet! Saying the title of a recent movie I watched: “This is Where I Leave You” he wasn’t smiling and then I thought about the meaning behind these words. I don’t like these words. There is only sadness there.
All relationships are temporary – even parent and child. I thought I’d get to keep mom until I was 80 and she 120. Not so! I prayed to God that she’d be healthy and that she and I die at the same time. She was the only person on this planet who loved me – so I don’t think it was too much to ask. But thing is I needed to leave, to live the life and to be happy. When mom got sick from Dementia it was too stressful for me to deal with it. I did my best but the best for her is where she is now. Thanks, mom, for giving me the support that you had been giving me up until your illness. You gave me everything that you had and now you know that my life is a happier one and that my relationships are satisfying, you don’t have to worry me anymore – like you worried on January 31, 2013. I got what I wanted (finally and Thank God!) i.e. living independently, doing what I want whenever. I am not angry or frustrated with life for decades.
Thank God that even though there are days I need to chill out, I’m still able to do everything I need to: advocate for me, connect with others, join social and recreation activities. I’m more social now than I was when living with my birth family.
That doesn’t mean I’m living in heaven every day now. Roommates have been a challenge – never mind they are challenged by things going on in their lives. The accusations (without proof) and the aggression. I’ll never forget what they did and now I’m not stressing over them. They’re still the same as I’ve known them the first six months of living with them. The difference is my self-confidence. I know what to do. I know them.
I thank God more often than once a year – this is me sharing my thanks to the world.
Relationships are temporary but I’m hoping my relationship to God is a permanent one. I’m doing everything I can to be the Christian he wants me to be.
I have grown up in a culture (social and religious) where there still no equality between men and women.
A family isn’t just dysfunctional when they’re teaching that daughters’ role is caregiver of others and the sons are the handyman. Dysfunctional families exist where there are long-term health issues, where there is violence and aggression and where there is generally a lot of negativity. And the children become the adults that their parents are. Unless the child’s eyes are open and understand that their parents’ behaviours are negative, there is no hope that our world could be a better place.
It’s a better place when there are positive relationships between people: in romantic relationships, with siblings, within the family and relatives, within the community and the church. Or wherever it is (and that I have not mentioned) that your social environment is. Not all “old values” are values worthy holding. When it causes pain and suffering in this world, it’s time to change it.
Starting with the men. They still desire to be the king of their homes but if you want to be “king” where is wisdom in your words and in the things you do?
In my book, there will only be one king: God.
Everyone else is brother and sister to each other. Religious or not, men and women of this earth are equal to each other.
Anyways, I hope there are other children out there who like me – raised in a dysfunctional family, eventually leaving it knowing there is a better life out there where you will learn that men and women are equal.
Parents are responsible for their children’s attitudes towards life, but the child has the ability to think independently–and I believe this because it’s true about me–and know the difference between right and wrong.
I knew my parents’ behaviours were wrong when they didn’t help me through the one critical event that changed my outlook on life forever. I was angry each day for several decades while living at home and having a father with a mental and physical problem and a mother that is passive doesn’t help. It didn’t help that the agency wouldn’t provide shelter for me if the family wasn’t okay with it. That was the 80s. Things are different now, I think.
Now that I am not seeing family and relatives, I feel at peace and doing things and holding to the beliefs and values that the independent-thinker that I was since age five. If conservative means going along with anything that’s dysfunctional – things I’ve talked about here, I’m never being that. I don’t have a “category”, but I hope that I’m becoming enlightened as a person.
If you’re willing to learn from the past, open your eyes to it and understand, then take action for a better life for yourself that isn’t dysfunctional, my hat’s off to you!
I would like to see more people getting out of their dysfunctional bunk and go forward in their life – learning, taking care of your needs, getting wisdom – just a few things on the top of my head which are valuable to me.
In my journey through life after leaving Hell/The War Zone, I may get to know guys and girls who are dysfunctional well you know how that’s going to go. No relationship will develop there. Not even a friendship.
To the people I will meet at the program…see you soon!
An example of dysfunctional relationships:
An example of a functional relationship:
There is more…and I think I’m done talking about this topic – unless of course someone in the program inspires me to talk about it more.
I’m doing fine these days. I’m writing on this blog – and it’s an expression of my POV. Sure, I don’t like what I see out there and well if you don’t like me posting the kinds of things I’m posting lately, change your attitudes! We’re all adults here, you have your POV and I have mine and just maybe the things I’m saying here are hard truths to swallow. And it’s hard for an adult child to walk away from all the wrong ways they’ve been taught by their parents, right? If you want to you will and it does take time to destroy the “old tape” and put in “new tape” with only positive experiences.
Who likes the truth? Who wants to listen to it?
Here are some websites that, for those who are in the same journal as I, are useful:
All men that I have dated up until now are the same in one way: they’re controlling, dominating men.
Don’t we all say that we won’t date the next person who is anything like our current ex? What if the behaviour is a common theme among so many men out there? The trait I mentioned above is learned and programmed into men for several centuries. Is there even one man out there who questions what they’ve been taught – especially in how to treat the #1 woman in their lives? Maybe it’s like 1 in a billion chance. Maybe not even that.
March 8 was International Women’s Day. For me, and I hope one day for organizations that support women, the main theme: reinforcing positive behaviour and attitudes in men. For this to occur, the community, church and the home have a responsibility to teach it and counsel men on respecting and caring for their woman. Sometimes, women (mothers, sisters and relatives) reinforce the negative attitudes in men. How? Blaming the other woman if their husband or boyfriend hits them. It’s never the wife’s fault/girlfriend’s fault if her man hits her. There is never any reason to hit a woman. A man who hits a woman has serious mental health issues. Also, men who are controlling and dominating have mental health issues. Their behaviours are irrational, their thoughts are irrational.
To the men out there, what do you think about these images?
I don’t regret the current break up. In fact, when I think about all the Control Freaks and Domineering Men I was in a relationship with, I have changed in positive ways this time. What made the difference for me was leaving Hell/War Zone. In the WarZone/Hell all the men and women in my family (siblings, parents) believe a woman sacrifices herself for her family, doesn’t own her life.
For 4 decades I battled against them – verbally. I still need time to rid the nightmares of them from my mind. It kills our soul and our minds when those that we should count on for positive support are the wolves we’ve been fighting off to keep ourselves alive – because we know one day we’ll get out of there and never look back.
I am proud of myself this time around in dating:
I am communicative about my feelings and even though he’s upset that I want to talk about it, I am not influenced by his upset
I ask him questions about himself (and I get a different action from him all the time or he’s silent)
I tell him what my needs are and it has resulted in a further downspiral of the “relationship”
I have self-confidence and self-esteem
I think it’s the latter point that has helped me open my eyes, to knowing what I want and don’t want (the “list”) in a potential mate. Believe me, it takes self-confidence and self-esteem to stand up for yourselves (addressing women).
If you’re taking care of your needs (brushing teeth, dental work, exercise, education) and the man demands so much of your time that you can’t devote even a minute of time to your needs. It’s time to move on!
If after trying to work things out, he’s still not getting it, the relationship will end. Mine ended because I’m simply not attracted to this type of man. And there are many men like this out there!
Foresight and hindsight. Someone told me I can’t know what another person is thinking. She is so right. Time will tell the truth of his character. Hopefully, the sooner I know these things about him, the sooner I will decide if I want to continue seeing him.
Toronto had an ice storm that begun about Sunday morning December 22 with about 80,000 people living in the dark and cold. The first few days I had spent them with boyfriend.
Today I had spent a few hours at my cousins home. It was so nice to see them. Always a pleasure to be in their company. Being around them like I did today, there is one thing I hope to have more of in the future: wisdom.
I’m still not looking back even though some argue that I should forgive the family. Forgiveness isn’t enough when the family is a dysfunctional one.
My life is better without them in it. I am happy, healthier (especially mentally) and doing things that promote a better future for me. With them I have recurring nightmares. There are only bad memories associated with them. It’s a broken family. Even if I forgive them one day, I still won’t be visiting them.
As for my current relationships, I am not taking it for granted that it will be forever. The only person I’m going to be with until the end of my days is me.