Cats Fight, Cats Wrestling?

This is a new level of cat fighting for these two: Angel and Ashley.

Mornings are entertaining in my home with these two playing–and I’m so not a morning person. These two changed that for me.

No regrets leaving my birth family, permanently. I wouldn’t have happy mornings, ever! And probably later sometime even if I don’t have these pets five years from now, getting used to being happy in the mornings (that’s what these pets are doing for me) until then will have conditioned me to be happy in the mornings. Memories…

Stringing Her Along

Happy
In searching for The One

You meet someone new and you think, “Wow he’s a hot looking guy!” You don’t make the first moves and as time passes you learn something about him that attracts you to him again.

Some of the things you’re looking for in a future partner, he’s talking about it with someone else. Claiming he’s this and that. Though it’s not obvious at the time what’s going on. Again, you don’t say a word but he does notice you looking at him while his friend is talking to him. A week later (you only see each other once a week), he’s standing a few feet to the left of you. The workshop is over. The fact that he dressed up really nice this day didn’t mean anything to you because you’re a woman who wants to be treated right. You’re a relationship woman. Since he didn’t do any “real” thing about showing interest in you, letting him go is easy.

The passed two weeks of his bullshit behaviour and trying to understand why it’s bother you had been somewhat stressful.

Yesterday what Let Him Go-and I’m OK Day. He was still sneaking peaks at me when, for example the facilitator talked about dating others and his head would turn my way when I’d answer to questions like my age. Then he’d say something in the group like talking about a female friend he’s known for 25 years and how they’re still connecting and helping each other out. Him with his depression and she with…I can’t remember what he helped her with. My feedback to him was to keep that friend of his for support. He just confirmed that they’re friends and there was that movement of his eyelids.

See how easy it is to misunderstand? Maybe I didn’t misunderstand. He sure gives signals of being interested in knowing things about me. If he just wanted to be friends he would have talked to me already. He easily talks to other women in the group. That’s what leads me to think he wants something more from me than friendship.

Even though I’ve turned my back on the past, some things now have pushed me to revisit the past relationships: my crushes. I’m smarter now. No one influences my decisions by saying things that lower my self-esteem.

So, yesterday what The Day for honesty. I saw all I needed to see about him and… good for me I kept my distance. I have no guilt for not doing something about that moment he stood next to me.

Life is a continuous learning experience, isn’t it?

I’m okay now and in total control.

If you’ve got boundaries, guys won’t hurt you.

 

Healthy Weights: 2/3 Body Mass is Muscle!

 

I don’t need more proof; however, situations happening now and that have happened during my several decades of life at The WarZone/Hell tell me where I am at in my life now is the best thing that’s happened to me–and to never go back to the past.

I fear the New Me will disappear if I spend too much time in the past. I visited mom New Year’s Eve 2014 and it’s been over two months since then that I have seen her. Haven’t seen the sibling and never intend to. Things are great this way. That is, if I want to continue growing. Some conservatives on mom’s side of the family would for sure disagree with me. They would in fact try what they can for me to get back with the family. They don’t get it. Or whatever. I told them what happened on January 31, 2013 and they persist as if they haven’t heard a thing I said. Stubborn, right? Probably. Or just of one mind.

Anyway, a visit to my dietitian gave me good news that I haven’t thought could happen. About 2/3 of my body mass is muscle now! At 205.6 pounds in 2012 I was 55% muscle. A difference of 34 pounds! Then and now!

In my other Blog “Fitness Through Walking” I started off with 205.6 pounds. Now I’m 171.6 pounds. I don’t like having a jiggly ass, but ten pounds can easily come off if I don’t eat too much of the healthy stuff. Still off the junk food for at least 99% of the time. Probably had junk food no more than five times since I left home…two years!

 

when I was 205.6 poundsMe now at 171 pounds

 

 

Looking Back to Keep Walking on a Positive Path

dementia personThe only way I’d be moving backwards instead of forwards is if I have still lived with my birth family. I’d still be back there, moving backwards, only thinking about stuff happening at home and no room for happiness.

Maybe a part of the past I’m still carrying: January 31 2013 – the day the sibling kicked me out of mom’s home. Mom was upset with me and he just threw me out. Anyone who understand people with dementia knows that their minds are gone, their reasoning abilities are gone. They’re not aware of what’s going on or the weight of what they’re saying.

And hear this: mom cried the entire time she say me last summer. She told me she was upset. The sibling should have known better. He knows mom isn’t mean, she would never kick me out of the house. She told me how many times that I can stay in her home as long as I want.day of my life and the stuff of Hollywood flicks with elements of Thriller and Horror.

My best day is yet to come and I imagine that day is when I’m able to take care of all of my needs and especially when I’m emotionally strong. With distance, I handle people from the past. I got what I’ve wanted since I was 18 years old: living away from birth family and  all things that hurt me.

Perhaps the greatest test of my level of emotional tenacity would be to have lived with my birth family–grin and bear it as the saying goes. Thing is in my family there were many things that made my life choices and my values clash with my parents and sibling. God would have wanted me to make peace with them for each moment there was a clash. Or a possible clash. Things would have still ended up the same way.

December 31, 2014 I stayed the night with my elderly mother. I was attentive like I never was before. Amid the many words that came out like mumbles, the few things I remember her saying to me:

  • my children, please come close to me
  • pray
  • smile when you’re with me
  • hold on

With the fourth point, I looked it up to understand what she might have meant. She’s always giving me advice that will help me in my life. So…hold on means to endure in difficult circumstances. For now, the only difficulty I’m having is my visits with mom. I’m crying a lot since the last two visits.

With my birth family I was a couch potato, a homebody. I couldn’t have been the person I am now: artistic, friendly. I engage in social recreation, social issues and current issues.

I’m 44 now and it’s, I think, my fourth time taking high school math and science. Then there is Yoga. I do what I can to at least keep my mind at the same cognitive function. However, with mindful meditation improving my concentration, my cognitive function improves a little. Why wait until I’m senior to help my brain keep at the same level, or better?

With mom having Dementia, her personality turns a 180: from a sweet mother to a person who is angry with you over something. The drop of the sour cream top startles her a lot. Imagine walking around the house and especially upstairs? And I was on a waiting list for housing. You know this list is one that is years long and I needed to leave now!

I still haven’t processed everything that lead to January 31. I’m not intentionally ignoring it but I have to live my life and I figure my mind is processing it slowly whenever I do think about my birth family.

The wisest thing for me to do it watch every step I take. If I hadn’t even visited mom even once since I left home, I think I would have regretted it. Distance helped me figures things out. Still things are better for me as they are now. Far away from trouble, continuous trauma and not even living happy.

The moment Dementia took her over, I have permanently lost the loving person mom really is.

I hate Dementia!

There is one positive to this experience. After dad’s death I am now learning to be like mom in one way: having faith. I have hope for me. Mom’s illness won’t hurt me anymore. Her death? She’ll be going to heaven. I know God can’t wait to meet her.