My Journey Since Departing the Old

The most important thing I’ve gotten from my life experiences since January 31, 2013 (and I think I can speak for everyone) is love. Before this date, I didn’t seem to have the capacity for it. But one day I moved into a place where there are only women and one roommate had a kitty with a litter of 4 or 5. One cat was named Angel. And she really was good to my senior kitty whom I’ve adopted from the Toronto Humane Society.

Ashley and Me. One of my fave moments with her.


And then she went to Heaven to be with God on October 30, 2016. Three months later, I adopted Banjoy–also from the Toronto Humane Society.


I’m finally at peace with Ashley’s death–by euthanasia. The stuff of PTSD, for me, anyway. I felt lost after Ashley’s passing and really wanted to have another cat to care for. It’s a lot of work to have a pet. So many things can go wrong and the usual problems are gastrointestinal. He was suspected with IBD in July 2017 and now in May 2018 they found a lump in the descending colon. Now he’s on stool softener and only eating wet food. Still giving him the probiotic (powder). And every day I’m checking his stool and pee. If he’s doing either, how often, and the appearance and feel of the stool. That’s just the kind of stuff I have to do to monitor Banjo (or any of my pet’s) health.

After Banjo, I will not own pets. I’d like to save money and perhaps explore the world. Not  necessarily that I’ll travel to Europe, but maybe one day I will. I just think that now I’m 48 years old, and still very capable of caring for a pet, there may be one day that if I owned another pet after Banjo, I’d have to give them up. I can’t do that. So, I’m stopping after Banjo. I know my limits, my health, and my belief is that all animals deserve owners who are capable–financially and physically–of caring for a pet. It’s fair to the pet.

It’s good to know that I’m capable of love. And Ashley showed me that I always had it in me. Thanks Ashley. Mama will never forget you!

Another of my favourite moments with Ashley. She and I are a pair!


Firsts After 40: Giving Blood!

I started the day off later than usual. Close to noon. The alarm went off at 6 am and some part of me said, “Back to sleep.”

It was a long weekend (4 days!) and I wasn’t working on Saturday and that meant (horns blowing please!) a lot of time to do whatever I want! Yay! I like that!

When I get out of the house it’s usually to do an errand. The rare times I leave home for anything else is theatre–though I usually do this after doing other things. It was an awesome day with doing at least one thing I enjoy: sitting in the library and browsing for info on the Internet and then printing it–important stuff always needs to be gotten a copy of. After the library I was hoping to get a massage but the place was fully booked that day. I thought my fun time ended here; it didn’t. And it ended up being on some level a better day because of it. I passed through when a greeter asked if I wanted to give blood. This was it! When living with my birth family I thought of it so much but always said no to it. Not because of any fear. The only thing I knew about giving blood is to stand up slowly after the procedure. I got this from the movie “While You Were Sleeping”.

You don’t think my current emotions are transferred via blood, do you? LOL! I wouldn’t want anyone to catch my happiness. Ha ha! So I gave blood and hopefully someday a hospital will be able to save 3 lives because of it.

I will give again. I just want to make sure I’m as healthy as possible. I don’t smoke. Never will. Don’t drink except twice a year to honour the death of my pet Ashley.

Here is some kind of proof that I gave blood the day before Easter.


“I Will Always Remember You”

October 30, 2016. Pause.

Summer of 2015 I walked through Room T of the Toronto Humane Society. Looking around the room. Ashley followed my steps as much as she could in her cage. A friend told me how I can tell when a cat likes me. I knew Ashley did. She walked back and forth as I was doing. And just so that it wasn’t a fluke or the trick of my mind I walked towards the door and then towards her. No coincidence. She really liked me.

I took her home the same day. Needed to buy stuff for her–minus the vet approved food. I didn’t care that she was a senior kitty at 12 years or that she had behavioural issues–pooping outside the litter box, vomiting. This would soon become an issue of quality of life.

First night she hid. The next morning I freaked out. Thought she escaped somehow. But she hid in the bookcase in my bedroom. I know what you’re thinking. But my mind was on the worst case scenario. She was okay. All was fine. A week later she escaped home and I found her on the roof! Needed a roommate to hold my legs so that I don’t fall face first while picking up Ashley. Gave her lots of kisses this day. And many days since.

Three months. November 2015 she was diagnosed with small cell lymphoma of the small intestines. The meds worked for several months. Every three months she got a blood count check. From here and several months later, pictures of her, videos of me singing

“Ashley is mama’s good little girl
Ashley is mama’s good little girl
Ashley…you will forever be mama’s good little girl.”

Each day was a day of love, me holding her, playing with her. Her nick name was Bingy. No regrets. Just wish I had more Earth time with her. 14 months was pretty good. And glad I had her. Else I would never have loved another. Never truly loved for me.

It’s a Russian Blue thing. Once they find that one person they love them forever. That’s the greatest gift anyone can ever get!

October 30, 2016 . The week leading to this day Ashley was getting sick. No appetite. Hepatic Lipidosis. Feeding via tibe was no quality of life.

October 30, 2016. 3pm. I did the most compassionate thing even though personally this choice is still nightmarish for me.

Ashley, mama hasn’t forgotten you. I have another cat. One day you’ll meet him in Heaven with God then when I leave here I’ll be coming for you and Banjo.




The last video is my fave of all ones I have of Ashley. This is the part no human has ever seen of her. Too bad! Soft voice and patience helped. She usually talks like a human baby when he/she “gagas”. I think it’s cute. And she may not be friendly to most people and I understand why. She’s been with one human for 12 years. Dumped at the Toronto Humane Society. Someone tried to adopt her. Didn’t work out. I made it work. Gentle. And I’m not known to be gentle. And I didn’t have the capacity to love until Ashley. Room T. Lucky Ashley. Mostly lucky mama (me).
October 30, 2017 marks the one year anniversary of Ashley’s D-Day. I think I’m still in the grieving stage but I’m still able to go on living.

My Babies Forever

Life lesson(s): for those that love me, and I love, I work hard, pass my mental limitations to give them a quality of life they didn’t have BM (before me) and pretty much Heaven AM (after me).

Ashley deserved a life extended so that she receives love from me and her BFF Angel. Banjo deserves a better life than he’s gotten. He deserves someone who will give him 100% attention. Pets depend on their humans for their entire life! Money is always the issue but I’m working now and don’t expect to develop a life altering illness for the next few years. Menopause is around the corner.



Thankful for Banjo

Without him I’d take longer to get over Ashley’s death. I still miss her:


I go on doing what I do every day, laugh when something is funny, bust something when something is too funny, and live without the nightmarish euthanasia at my door.

Thank you, Banjo, for being you. You are a loving cat. You give affection. You get affection back. I know in 10 years from now that your presence in my life will change me in ways that are only positive. It’s happened already.

Animals are amazing in teaching humans about love and relationships. In the end I won’t be broken anymore because of Banjo and what he does for me. Thank you God for Banjo!