The only way I’d be moving backwards instead of forwards is if I have still lived with my birth family. I’d still be back there, moving backwards, only thinking about stuff happening at home and no room for happiness.
Maybe a part of the past I’m still carrying: January 31 2013 – the day the sibling kicked me out of mom’s home. Mom was upset with me and he just threw me out. Anyone who understand people with dementia knows that their minds are gone, their reasoning abilities are gone. They’re not aware of what’s going on or the weight of what they’re saying.
And hear this: mom cried the entire time she say me last summer. She told me she was upset. The sibling should have known better. He knows mom isn’t mean, she would never kick me out of the house. She told me how many times that I can stay in her home as long as I want.day of my life and the stuff of Hollywood flicks with elements of Thriller and Horror.
My best day is yet to come and I imagine that day is when I’m able to take care of all of my needs and especially when I’m emotionally strong. With distance, I handle people from the past. I got what I’ve wanted since I was 18 years old: living away from birth family and all things that hurt me.
Perhaps the greatest test of my level of emotional tenacity would be to have lived with my birth family–grin and bear it as the saying goes. Thing is in my family there were many things that made my life choices and my values clash with my parents and sibling. God would have wanted me to make peace with them for each moment there was a clash. Or a possible clash. Things would have still ended up the same way.
December 31, 2014 I stayed the night with my elderly mother. I was attentive like I never was before. Amid the many words that came out like mumbles, the few things I remember her saying to me:
- my children, please come close to me
- smile when you’re with me
- hold on
With the fourth point, I looked it up to understand what she might have meant. She’s always giving me advice that will help me in my life. So…hold on means to endure in difficult circumstances. For now, the only difficulty I’m having is my visits with mom. I’m crying a lot since the last two visits.
With my birth family I was a couch potato, a homebody. I couldn’t have been the person I am now: artistic, friendly. I engage in social recreation, social issues and current issues.
I’m 44 now and it’s, I think, my fourth time taking high school math and science. Then there is Yoga. I do what I can to at least keep my mind at the same cognitive function. However, with mindful meditation improving my concentration, my cognitive function improves a little. Why wait until I’m senior to help my brain keep at the same level, or better?
With mom having Dementia, her personality turns a 180: from a sweet mother to a person who is angry with you over something. The drop of the sour cream top startles her a lot. Imagine walking around the house and especially upstairs? And I was on a waiting list for housing. You know this list is one that is years long and I needed to leave now!
I still haven’t processed everything that lead to January 31. I’m not intentionally ignoring it but I have to live my life and I figure my mind is processing it slowly whenever I do think about my birth family.
The wisest thing for me to do it watch every step I take. If I hadn’t even visited mom even once since I left home, I think I would have regretted it. Distance helped me figures things out. Still things are better for me as they are now. Far away from trouble, continuous trauma and not even living happy.
The moment Dementia took her over, I have permanently lost the loving person mom really is.
I hate Dementia!
There is one positive to this experience. After dad’s death I am now learning to be like mom in one way: having faith. I have hope for me. Mom’s illness won’t hurt me anymore. Her death? She’ll be going to heaven. I know God can’t wait to meet her.