Painful Visits

It has been 9 months since I’ve visited mom at the LTC home. Didn’t think I’d ever want to see her again. In my mind I said it’s better for me to not see her again. I was remembering the last few months before leaving home, what mom said to me, how she behaved towards me. In my mind, I never believed she should be angry with me. I’ve lived with her for 42 years of my life. She shared everything she got from relatives and friends with me. I gave her my time and did my best to care for her and fulfill all her requests.

The workers at the LTC told me that she’s been crying for some time and didn’t know why because she’d say something in a language they don’t understand. I visited mother two days ago from today and she was crying and telling me how she worried where I was. She worried that I didn’t have enough clothes, food. Even in this visit she offered to provide support to me.

Get that people! My mother, with mid- to late-dementia, needs 24/7 help and she is still my mother, taking care of me as if I’m still a baby. I’ll always be her baby and too bad I can never return the favour, have millions of dollars so that she can stay in her home and have PSWs take care of her until her death.

I still hate the way I left home on January 31. It wasn’t my choice to leave yet. I was still on a waiting list for housing.

I’m hoping to make it up to mom by visiting her at least two times each week. Hopefully in time she won’t be crying over her recall of that night. It was a nightmare to her and me.

When dad died in 1991, I prayed to God to extend mom’s life another 20 years. Then when I found two years ago that she has dementia, I prayed to God again that she’ll live another 20 years. It might not happen this time around. Something about living with dementia for 10 years (maximum?) and then the patient turns for the worst. If this is true even for mom, she’s been living with dementia for about five years!

I don’t want her to ever die but I think she’ll be so happy once she meets God! Mom should be sainted for putting up with me and the other one (sibling!)

Got to go now. Here are two pictures of mom. The first one she presented to me and said “In memory of me”. I still cry remembering those words. I’m using a laptop – money mom spent for me because she loves me and still takes care of me.

mom and me on her 82nd birthday

By the way, in that visit mom said: “I want to keep you!”

Those are the true feelings mom and I have of each other. I know we won’t be able to but I’ll have her for as long as God will let me now.

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