Like today. And it’s an important day – 2nd of 5th day during the Easter weekend to attend mass.
I love God, and sometimes I feel pretty good about going to mass, but when I was 25 years old and for 10 years after that I didn’t have anything to do with the church of my ethnic culture. Stuff happened, one critical thing when I was about 7 years old but then everything else was either about the birth family or the choir group.
Those were stupid and hellish times. Since I have left that church, I have attended a church that spoke the English language. The church members and clergy were friendly – not strict at all. Now that I have moved 1.5 hours away from this church, I have found another one that seems to be nice. There is charity from one member to the next. I donated clothes and dishes and what was donated to me (and others, too) are books and food. This is an excellent start.
I’m thinking that the reason I don’t feel like going to church today may have something to do with the critical incident at the age of 7. Being sexually molested by a priest that was of the same ethnic culture but not from the same church I go to could still have some effect on me.
The guilt of not going is there a bit. I don’t think I’m a bad person. It’s about my choice to be part of God’s family. To have God as my family member. I say this last part because one of the things I have a high value on is family. Family can be anything we want, right? It could be a pet and myself, the birth family, a husband and children, friends. Anything. I have considered having as my only family a pet. Pets are expensive to keep. I know. I used to have one. It’s expensive to have one. The medical bills for an American Cocker spaniel are in the four digits! Where is the money for car expenses, personal expenses, bills that I have to pay for to live. Having a pet does wonders for someone who feels like shit in the morning. When I had a dog, my mornings were bright. I may one day be in a long-term care home but I think I’ll never forget the dog I had for eight years.
Anyways, the thing about going to church has to have meaning for me. To attend mass during Easter, I think I’d go to show God that I am thankful that Jesus was sacrificed to save me from my sins. God will forgive all my sins and I’ll turn away from sinning again.
Thing is I’m human and will probably sin again. Anger and yelling lead to sin and I do care about how my actions will affect my relationship to God. I know that God is the only one that wants to save me from hurting myself – the decisions I make not knowing how things like pan out later. By listening to God’s word I will have saved my soul from doing things that end my life.
My soul, my spirit gives off energy even if I’m not doing anything. I hope to only give off positive energy. Until then, I have a lot to work on myself.