I’ve had how many romantic relationships and have never grieved them at all. But I am grieving the current one.
That’s because I was battling for my life living in the War Zone/Hell for four decades.
Since I’ve left home, I have become aware of my thoughts and feelings (the plus side!) when communicating with anyone. As I was walking home from the gym, it occurred to me that I might have been grieving the loss of the current relationship.
I loved him, there were some sweet moments but it had to end. Breakups suck because of the pain we experience at the moment, but once we’re physically divorced from the ex things start to become clearer.
As a goal-oriented person, I continue the things I did before dating. I’m catching up to things quickly. Three months behind will all be done by the end of this month. I’ll be all caught up in academic math and science and I will have lost the 10 pounds that I’ve gained since dating him those three months.
Lately it has been hard for me to get out of bed until 10 a.m. I’d be falling asleep by midnight. Seven hours of sleep is what I usually get. So, I thought that I must be getting depressed – maybe the weather. I even forced myself to get out of bed and out the door by 8 a.m. and I still felt the need to sleep. Maybe I was depressed because of the breakup, right? To find the answer I try to narrow it down: allergies? the breakup? the season? irresponsible roommates?
I started stretching my back and leg muscles. Very stiff. Shoulder and neck muscles were painfully tense – especially when I’d put on my winter coat! New development. However, hands behind my head, stretching the arms hurt a bit but I tolerated it. Now putting arms through to put on coat doesn’t hurt anymore. Thank goodness! Emotional pain can be the cause of muscle tension.
If I need to know where I’m at now after the breakup – when speaking about the stages of grief – I am accepting of it. Mostly because I know it’s over and even if he’s changed I don’t entertain the thought of getting back together with him. This isn’t just with him it’s with all the guys that I was romantically involved with. Between the date of the breakup with him and the time he’ll want to give it another shot I’d say forget it! Who knows who he’s been with! I’m not mixing my bodily fluids with an unknown that can give me an STD! Let’s be honest, there is too much of sex sex sex! Going from one person to the next!
There are moments I’m angry, sometimes in denial or bargaining but those are fleeting moments. Even though I’m busy doing positive things for myself, i.e. the stuff I was doing before the dating, I process the breakup a lot. I even have a journal I write about it. The sooner to be okay with it all. Mostly I am.
I still wish I had the foresight about a potential mate. Foresight won’t happen. People don’t show their true selves. Time shows truths.
The three “sights”…foresight, insight and hindsight. I guess we use these words because of the regrets we have. Sure, we regret a relationship ended.
I guess another positive thing about the start and end of a romantic relationship is that as someone who likes to immerse herself in visual art, both have inspired me to make something. Posting these soon!