Dating is much more fun and less stressful and I know part of it has to do with being older (and wiser) but mostly because I left Hell/The WarZone. I have no doubts about how much this event has turned my life around for the better. Everything is better this time around–especially dating.
At 43, I remember the guys I knew then, the misery of being in that relationship and why I didn’t leave sooner. It didn’t help that my family life made me feel unloved and neglected. A child whose parents didn’t protect her and didn’t do anything when she was sexually molested by a priest.
I’ve had to protect myself the best way I knew how: trying to get him to let me go. Didn’t happen. Since that day, I was depressed, tense at home. Each night wasn’t safe for me. Lying on my side I feared someone would attack me.
It wasn’t just the priest experience that messed me up. It was my alcoholic father, passive mother and a sibling who just wasn’t present for most of the time at home. He was with teenage friends doing what they did best at the time: drink beer.
Yeah, my family was so dysfunctional and still is. Mom is at a long-term care home. From a relative I heard that mom likes it when people visit her – it shows that she’s got a big family.
Mom was never able o deal with loneliness, especially during the nights. She wanted me to come and visit her. I haven’t seen her since the second visit in October and don’t plan on it. I’m not going to be a part of what she’s up to now.
The three words: “I love you”. I didn’t understand completely why I was uncomfortable hearing it and saying it until I spoke to my Case Manager today. Because mother, one of the most important people in my life, didn’t protect me and whenever she said these words to me I didn’t believe her.
I spoke to hubby about it and he was supportive.
I am so lucky to have him in my life. For sure without him my life wouldn’t be as happy. Life isn’t at all fulfilling when it only revolves around making art, reading books, having a pet and taking math and science courses.
I’m happy when I’m able to have relationships where there is love and respect and all the other good things that come with it. Three weeks after the first date I can say there is a lot of this going on. Just need to be aware when the past comes back for some unfinished business.
Through talking it out in therapy, the damage may have damaged my Psyche while living at home but it will not rule my happiness in the present and future.