September 22: Mass Intentions…Mines and Theirs

Today’s intention: celebrate the man who protected me. Priest’s intention (going by his behaviour): nothing positive to say about it.

Anyways…

September 25, 1991 dad died from lung cancer.

Every year since then up until last year, mom paid to have mass intentions for the anniversary of his death.

This year I paid. I didn’t want mom and her son to know that I will be attending the mass. It was a moment for me and dad.

Some things are not worth looking back, but my relationship with my father is.,

He was an alcoholic, couldn’t work since 1973 because he was in a drinking and driving accident – he was the passenger and a pole hit him. He had wires on his spine. Wires, nerves, I get it.

All my life that I have known him, he was miserable and drinking, drinking and drinking some more. My body automatically tensed up whenever my home was six houses away from hell. Hell started before I entered the home and remained so until I left January 31, 2013.

The week after his death, I stopped having nightmares of him chasing me. It wasn’t until 2005 (at least) that I started to see the positive aspects of my father. When I was a girl of about five, he gave shit to the owner of two dogs that were running to me – scaring me off and having fear of dogs since.

When I started dating guys, he would have a talk with them. Analyze their worth for the only daughter he had. He didn’t want me to marry some guy who was lazy to work – even if he has a health condition. In his POV, men were and still are the main bread winners of the family.

Well, here is to you dad! I learned from you and in 2005 I saw for myself that the guy I was going out with then was not reliable.

So I celebrated his death today. Glad that he was my protector.

He even gave my sibling shit whenever he’d say something to me while my date was waiting for me.

He would be 100 times more of that if he knew how the sibling treated me before I left home.

Anyways, I was at the mass today, happy I was there, knowing that mom and sibling wouldn’t be there (makes it less stressful for me). And I didn’t like what the priest was talking about. Not to go into great detail but thing is when talking about today’s readings (1 Timothy 2: 1-8 and Luke 16, 1-13)  why did the priest have to specify certain age like 42 and 55. I’m 43 and the guy I knew in 2005 would be about 53. Why not just talk in general? Why does he have to point out a certain age? It’s like he’s intentionally talking about two individuals. Today’s mass was about pretty much who thinks they’re right. Or something like that. Point is, priests need to be mindful of what they’re doing. When they do things like they did today, people who were there at the mass will gossip. They’ll speculate who was the topic of today’s sermon. I’m not paranoid. People in that community talk especially about the negative things they hear. Who doesn’t, right?

If it’s not this I’m having a problem with, I’m also having a beef with another church I went to last week. Priest pointed out that people are coming in constantly late, some people’s clothes and others bringing coffee cups. Some people can’t afford nice clothes. It’s Sunday, buses don’t come regularly and, so now, I’m damned when I come late, I’m damned when I don’t come at all. Mixed messages drive me nuts!

Really…at a time when people are losing faith. Priests really need to keep an eye on the big picture. They don’t know as much as social workers and therapists and they’re definitely being petty.

And I returned to Catholic church after 10 years of not going and now almost ten years later priests are just acting in ways that only…geeze I don’t want to say it anymore. They’ve got to change their attitudes and be more understanding!

Anyways, on a positive point, here is a picture of my dad and me. I think I was 1 or 2 years old then. So it would have been in 1971 or 1972.

dad and me

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